1. She isn’t over her last boyfriend.
2. She is friends with some of her ex-boyfriends, but introduces them to you as “just friends”.
3. She shares every intimate detail of your sex life with her friends–and sometimes ex-boyfriends who now fall into that category. So, her friends know what she really thinks of you as a lover, the approximate size of your penis and any weird shit you do during sex.
4. She’s not that interested in having sex with you and even less interested in giving you blow jobs.
5. If you’ve asked her how many guys she’s had sex with, take that number and multiply it by 10 to get the real number.
6. Yes, she has loved other men as much or more than she loves you.
7. She wishes your dick were bigger.
8. If you’re under 6’2′, she wishes you were taller. No woman has ever looked at a man and said, “That guy is too tall for me”!
9. You are not giving her the best sex she has ever had, even though she will assure you that you are.
10. She doesn’t think you’re the perfect catch that you imagine yourself to be. There is all kinds of shit about you that bugs the fuck out of her.
It really depends on the size–and yes, size does matter. Most guys should keep it to themselves until they are about to engage in sex, but there are a couple of exceptions.
The fact is if your dick is small, you should only pull it out right before you are about to have sex with a woman who is really, really drunk and hope that she doesn’t notice. Do not let her give you head. There’s no mistaking a small dick when it’s in your mouth.
If you happen to be one of the few men who actually has a large dick and isn’t just imagining it, then there may be some other times you may want to let friends and prospective sex partners have a peek. Hey, why hide a good thing! Let the word get out and you may have more women knocking on your door wanting some of what you’ve got. Still, it can be a fine line between exposing oneself in public and getting arrested and giving others a tasteful look. In order to avoid the later, you should only pull it out in dimly lit areas around people who are not complete strangers. Pull your pants away from your body and nudge the woman you’ve been talking to so when she looks down, she gets a good look. Even if she doesn’t find this enticing, she will probably spread the news that you have a huge penis and before you know it one or more of her friends will be chatting you up.
With Romney being the Republican nominee this election, many people are wondering what Mormonism is all about. Well, not to worry because we are here to fill you in. Mormonism, like most other Judeo-Christian religions, is based in dogmatic beliefs that promote a lot of hatred, but the Mormons like to take it one step farther. While all Judeo-Christian religions portray woman as the temptress that caused the fall of man, they still allow that women can make to heaven on their own accord. But not the Mormons; women can only get into the Celestial Kingdom (CK) if their husbands invite them.
Speaking of getting into the CK, only priesthood holders and their wives whom they invite in are allowed. All adult male Mormons in good standing are initiated into the priesthood. However, the Mormons did not allow Blacks to be priesthood holders until the mid 80s meaning black people were not allowed to go to heaven. The Mormons believe that Blacks have been cursed by their god and that is why they are black–they are the devil’s people. This is why most of the Mormons you see are so white and why the Mormons are famous for their genealogy records. They started keeping fastidious records to ensure that no black people or people who were even part black were allowed into their priesthood.
As many of you have heard, Fundamentalist Mormons “practice the principle” by engaging in plural marriage because they believe that the more wives and children they have, the higher their place in heaven will be. Evidently, if you have enough wives and children, you can be a king in the CK. While the LDS Church rejected plural marriage so that Utah could become a state, they do still allow men to have multiple wives in the CK while women can only be “sealed” to one man.
While most of the Mormons we have met have been really, really nice and all dogmatic religions require their followers to make “leaps of faith”, we still think the Mormons are pretty special. As in special ed. So, dating a Mormon would probably not be a great idea, if you are a woman. However, if you are a man, this my be a good choice for you.
This is all without even touching on their goofy underwear or wacky temple practices, but if you want to know more watch the South Park “All About Mormons” episode or Big Love. We like to get all of our information from fiction TV shows.
With globalization and everyone being a citizen of the world, we can all take advantage of our options both at home and abroad.
UK- The British are a little slow on “pulling”, but if you can chat one up, he or she may well be open to a little whoring.
Germany- Rammstein’s song “I Can’t Get Laid in Germany” pretty much sums it up for the those who don’t live there. Most Germans are not interested in One Nights Stands (ONS as they like to call them with disdain). They will stare you down when you walk into a bar or club, but they usually don’t engage in sex outside of relationships as much as Americans. Although, Bavaria may be an exception to this rule. Maybe it’s their Catholic background.
Mexico-Mexican men are always open to whoring. They are a sure thing because they believe that any man who declines having sex with a woman must be gay and most straight Mexican guys don’t want to be accused of being gay.
Italy-See “Mexico”. But note that Mexicans and Italians are very prone to living with their parents until they are married–and even after. So, you may have a hard time finding a place for your tryst. Mexican men and Italian men can provide a good test to see if you’ve hit the wall yet because when they stop hitting on you….well, you have.
or even when you very first start dating someone:
1. “I love you.” Saying this before you’ve been dating for at least a month is creepy.
2. “I want you to have my babies.” or “I want to have your babies.” What the hell? This is even creepier than number one.
3. “Are you into anal sex?” Come on! At least wait until the third date for this kind of smut.
4. “My ex is still stalking me.” This will not only scare your new prospect, but will make you seem crazy by association.
5. “I hate sex.” OK, this mostly applies to women over thirty. Just keep that shit to yourself for now.
6. ‘I live with my ex but we’re just friends.’ Yeah, right.
7. “I have a boyfriend.” Unless you’re trying to hook up with someone who is polyamorous, this doesn’t sound good.
8. “I have genital herpes.” Yeah, that is an unfortunate std to have, but maybe wait until the person shows interest in getting the body part that could give him or her herpes.
As described by Ricky in our Genital Freak Show post, some women have larger than average clitorises. While admittedly freakish, I also find the prospect of growing my clitoris as big as it can be intriguing. After all, a clitoris is the female penis and can be grown with hormone therapy. I imagine all the things I could do with it. Mainly, I would like to fuck a bunch of my ex-boyfriends in the ass with it. Then I would take a piss standing up. Makes me wonder what Freud would say.